2. “Use your
words.”
Guess what? Even if they are verbal geniuses
(and think about it, how many of those are around?), toddlers, even at age 3,
don’t always have…well, words. Especially the ones they learned yesterday. In
addition, they are just not available to the brain when a child, or grownup for
that matter, is upset. They need grownups to give them words for what they are
feeling.
You might have noticed yourself
that naming feelings is not as easy as naming colors or reciting the alphabet.
This is a big empathy moment, and it helps to recognize your own difficulty. I
know you may feel ready to tear your hair out because you don’t always
understand what the problem is and how to name it, and quite frankly, you are
desperate for your child to tell you. It’s very hard when a small child is
whining or crying because that’s the best self-ｅxpression he has available just
now.
So here’s an approach that could be helpful:
You start by matching his upset tone, and you say something like, “Oh, Bobby, I
can hear you are upset. Dear, oh, dear! Are you feeling x or y…? Is this what
you are feeling? We can work it out. Let’s think about what you need.“ The
matched tone of your voice and that good phrase again—“let’s think about it”—
are good to use in most situations. With experience, your child will trust that
you are going to help, and not try to box with him in the wrong weight range.
Your child might have needed contact, which you’ve given in your attempt to
solve the problem so just asking the questions is all that’s needed. Oh, and by
the way, you’ve just provided words to grow on and given a big demonstration of
what to do instead of whining—talk about it.
3. “Don’t run.”
I ask you, parent of a toddler, is there is a
more futile phrase in the English language? Do they ever listen when you yell
after them on the street? Maddening to the max. But here’s a secret: They don’t
listen because our brains react better to “do’s” than “don’ts.” So in an
emergency with your child, it’s far better to say, “Stop!” or “Walk!” That’s
brain science. And social savvy tells us a “yes” is much friendlier than a
“no.”
In addition, in this situation words of any
kind can only help if your running child can hear you. If he’s already off and
way ahead, you are momentarily out of options, except to chase. Then, it’s
important to watch out for what happens next, because your adrenaline will be
up. When you reach him in this state you are more likely to yell and be rough,
so here’s where the “yes” is again better than “no.” When you reach him, it
helps both of you if you exhale long and slow, bend down, take his hand and
explain with concern in your voice, “You have to stay near me. I am worried you
will get hurt if you run too fast on the sidewalk.” If there was really no
danger, but only the possibility of it, say something else, such as, “I need you
to stay close by when we are on the sidewalk.” If you find that you get into an
emergency mode frequently, take a good look at yourself so you can help yourself
stay calm and avoid creating too much anxiety for your toddler.
There are other disagreeable don’ts that are a
little more complicated to communicate as a “do.” Very often parents need to
firmly and quickly stop some potentially hurtful action. Of course, you will
find yourself saying, “Stop, don’t hit,” or “No, don’t bite.” It is difficult in
the moment to think about what your toddler might need that leads to these
frightening actions, but it helps to remember that they usually don’t carry the
same aggressive meaning they might for an older child.
You might find it helpful to play out all kinds
of troubles in scenarios with dolls and stuffed animals. It puts the problem
outside your toddler so she can see both sides. The bear family can help if you
engage your little one in the story of how and why Little Bear is so excited
that he runs off, hits, or bites. “Little Bear wants to run, run, run, but oops!
There are people in the way—he bumps into them and falls on his bottom.” Usually
lots of laughter ensues. But then, worried Mama or Papa Bear come fast to help
everyone. “You bumped into some people—uh, oh, Mrs. Giraffe got a bruise and
Little Bear scraped his knee—it’s too crowded to run around!” Pats all around.
Next show how Little Bear learns that when he goes out, he walks and marches
along, and when he gets to the playground, he runs.
With actions such as biting or hitting, there
are some “do’s” that can help once you’ve worked with the bears to establish the
desired actions. You can certainly say, “Here is a teether to bite (when you are
so excited you can’t contain yourself), but we can’t bite people.” and, “Here,
go ahead and hit the pillow” (when you are trying out your new feelings of power
and assertion). Oh, and by the way, if she wants to throw something, you can
find an appropriate toy for her to throw into a basket—just not at your
head.
4. “It’s not safe.”
This one’s not as high on the futile chart as
“don’t run” but it is too abstract for the easy comprehension of a toddler of 1,
2 or 3 years. If the point is to prevent an accident, or protect in the face of
a threat then a better version is a “do”: “Hold it! Stop right now!” See, when
you say, “It’s not safe,” all he can feel is the emergency in your voice without
being told what to do. If it’s not an emergency, you can get more involved in
teaching.
Here are sample phrases to say in the moment
when you are in the act of common dangerous situations: “Okay, let’s both hold
onto the stair rails to make sure we don’t fall”; “Here’s the safe way to hold
the scissors so we don’t get hurt”; “Children need to hold a grownup’s hand when
they cross the street.” With these slightly longer explanations you help a child
to put the world together in her mind as a place of both safety and danger. In
children’s developing imaginary worlds that lie beneath the surface these ideas
link with those of light and dark, sweet and angry, good and wicked, and
hopefully soon all that dwells between in the gray areas.
Risk and danger present real challenges for
parents. We don’t want to overdo an emphasis on safety, but we need to find a
balance if we want kids to be okay with bruises, to dare to run in the park, and
to feel safe to imagine and know the difference between real and not real as
they learn about their bodies and their surroundings. You don’t want them to be
afraid to try something new, let their imaginations go, or say what’s on their
minds.
5. “Excuse me.”
I have heard parents of toddlers use this
phrase when they don’t get a “please,” or “thank you,” or when their child is
uncooperative. It’s said with a snide tone, and sometimes a question mark, when
they mean, “How dare you behave this way!” This may be my pet peeve in two of
the ways we misuse it. I don’t like this when adults use it with each other, but
at least other adults get the message of demand and/or disgust behind the words.
For the toddler, this is just bewildering and a poorly disguised
swat.
Certainly, it is better that we all restrain
our aggressive feelings, unavoidable at times, with sarcasm, but while this
milder version might feel good in the moment, we then have to reckon with the
problem that we are being extremely confusing for a little person who is just
learning words. This is important because all a hapless toddler can make out is
that her parent is angry and frightening—she’s likely very good at catching
that. All in all, it’s much clearer to be honest when Suzy grabs something.
“Hey, I don’t like that at all—let’s think of a better way here!” Save “Excuse
me” for when you really mean it.
That brings us to the other annoying use of
“excuse me”—less bewildering but just plain impolite. We need to remember that
our toddlers are watching us and learning. What you do and how you do it with
all people at all moments communicates your feelings and values. Far too often
in our exasperating moments, “Excuse me” is used to mean, “Get out of my way,
I’m coming through,” with no please attached. How many times has someone
assaulted you while saying, “Excuse me, excuse me”? Wouldn’t it be better to
say sweetly and wait for reply, “Could you please move over just a bit so I can
get by – oh, yes it’s a double stroller – sorry, yeah, the bags too —so sorry to
disturb you. Thank you very much.” And along the way, while you are being a good
model for your toddler, you are probably also feeling less agitated.
6. “Good eating!”
This one’s right up there with “good saying
thank you,” “good cleaning up,” “good pooping,” “good walking,” etc. I know, I
know, you read a book on “positive parenting.” You might have noticed I’m all
for that, but trust me, there can be too much of a good thing. For sure, parents
very smartly want to reinforce good behavior. Part of the job is to help your
little one know she is doing well. It’s surely better than “time out” but not if
it begins to sound like hiccups. Meaningless. Worse, you probably never realized
how endless compliments produce expectations of praise for everything and a
bleak feeling when none is forthcoming—and that day must come.
Overdone, this parenting tactic actually takes
the focus off the most significant part of a child’s actions—her own pleasure
and pride in accomplishment. Here’s why. A young child is all about operating
from desires that stir inside of her body, stimulated by what she sees and
reaches for in the environment. That seeking includes the social environment.
Kids love to imitate older children and adults. And when they can do something
they see others doing, they feel very pleased and proud of themselves When
grownups jump in all the time with their judgments and
observations of what’s good and bad, they take something away from the child’s
relationship to herself. Over-observed and judged, she loses track of her inner
guide.
If you are overcome with pleasure at your
child’s actions, and you really need to do more than beam with a twinkle in your
eye, how about trying, “I see how proud you feel!” or “I see you worked really
hard on that!” But let’s not overdo that either.
7. “We’re not playing
now!”
But why not? Oh, I know, you are exhausted and
trying to let your toddler know this is serious, and time for games is over. But
(seriously), getting a little one, or a big one for that matter, to do something
that needs to happen, such as brush teeth, change that diaper, get in the bath,
eat a little more dinner, go to bed—just goes better with playfulness. You are
dumping on your best option and pulling out the over-power card instead. You
think that will help but it usually prolongs the agony.
Being playful is one of the ways our love for
our children is expressed—and it keeps us connected to their ways of being, even
when you have to say, “OOOKaaay—now we have to….” Of course, there are times
when you really do need to be serious, but even then, it’s good to make use of
an enactment with dolls and stuffed animals to express the serious, sad or mad
feelings. The same is true when there are problems that arise, such as a
2-year-old experimenting with hitting, or one who won’t brush his teeth. Of
course, we can’t always find our playful groove—it’s the day after your toddler
was up four times with a tummyache, or you’ve been running all day between your
toddler and your other kids, or your job.
If you just can’t be playful, you can say so.
That way, you discover each other because you help kids begin to understand how
your feelings and actions connect. If you’ve been giving your child words, and
describing his feelings all along, he will know what you are talking about. “I
am tired tonight, and I need you to get to bed. We really can’t read our story
until you get the PJs on.” Not a threat, just a dose of reality—the truth of
consequences.
8. “You’ll have
consequences!”
Yup. All actions have consequences (see above).
It’s easy to slip into mindless threatening when you are juggling 100 balls in
the air. But watch out, this is a huge wolf in sheep’s clothing – one that tries
to disguise our own, often understandable, but troublesome angry and helpless
feelings. The problem is that a punishing attitude, just like too much praise,
misses the important part of a child’s not so nice actions—his own experience.
When you punish, you bring in the force of outside control—as if he will or
won’t do something just because you will clobber him with something unpleasant
such as taking away a favorite toy for the afternoon. This misses out on
teaching him about developing mutual respect. Faced with a misbehaving toddler
because they really don’t know the rules, it is better to be helpless than try
this. You would be amazed at how wildly it can backfire—I hope you never have to
meet the child who says, “I don’t care!”
Even if this were not just a punishment in
disguise, it would still be a big problem since it is bewildering for a toddler
because for them life is now. Under 5 years old, the sense that there are
logical sequences in time can be hazy. Tomorrow or even later today are very far
away, so you are spitting into the wind. If there are real consequences, tell
them. Such as, “If you hit me, I feel hurt and mad—I don’t like that and I don’t
want to play.” Or, “If you don’t take a bath, your sticky hands and dirty feet
will be itchy! Yukky, yukky, yuk!” You can emphasize with a few quick tickles
(see # 7).
You can rely on helping her understand the real
consequences of her not so nice actions, but this can take more time than
speaking a punishment. For example, did Suzy hurt your feelings when she said
you were a bad mommy, or when she grabbed the cookie without saying “please” or
“thank you”? Maybe she hurt your head when she threw the block. Tell her, say,
“Ow!” Explaining and teaching are crucial, because remember, a toddler isn’t
hardwired with the understanding that hard objects can hurt. This goes back to
#3, and the helpful bear family. Punishment only teaches that you are angry, and
breaks the connection between you through which you can be effective.
9. “You can if…,” or “You can’t …
unless …”
We can all find ourselves losing it in rough
moments—and I know there are plenty of them, but it’s really worth trying to
avoid letting this one become a repetitive pattern. I understand how trying it
can be to get a squirming 2-year-old to get his shoes on, or a feisty
18-month-old to quit running around. Sadly, your misery will usually just
increase with this further agitation. It’s all in the tone: If you are
describing the real consequences of actions, such as “We can’t go to our
playdate unless you get into your shoes now,” this makes sense as above—it’s the
real truth of consequences. But, said in a very different tone, with a threat,
“That’s it—we are not going if you don’t get your shoes on this minute!” you’ve
added blackmail. Our anger distorts this logic to the point that it becomes a
threatening blackmail: “If you don’t take your bath right now, I won’t read to
you tonight”; “You can’t go to the park unless you clean up those cars”; “You
can’t have the cookies unless you say you’re sorry to me.”
The first problem with this is the same as for
#8—it relies on threats of something in the future, which are hazy at best for
toddlers. Far worse though, this blackmail is damaging to the trusting
relationship you want to build with your child and protect in order to build a
mutually supportive relationship. Here in your frustration and haste, you are
pulling out a power maneuver: do this, not because it make sense and because we
love, trust, respect each other, but because I can make you afraid. You don’t
need to be scary. You can instead just be clear and lay out what you expect. If
you just can’t muster up a playful attitude, you can be straight. If your child
is balking, you can just wait and let him know that nothing else can happen
until the bath is finished, the diaper changed, or the shoes are on. But trust
me, life is happier for everyone with play.
10. “You just want
attention.”
But wait! Who doesn’t? And what’s wrong with
attention? In our discomfort we grab hold of ideas that seem to explain and
solve a problem. However, this common idea does not equal common sense. In the
real world, in the blitz of stress and performance pressure, getting attention
is highly prized. This is the world kids are being prepared for in many schools:
Stand out is the meta-message. So how precisely do we get them to turn it on
only when it comes time to shine in class or go for a job interview?
Let’s unpack: When we turn to this phrase as an
explanation for annoying behavior, I think we really mean, “I don’t want to pay
attention to you right now,” or “You are doing something I find annoying.” And
that’s really okay. It’s clear and when it’s clear you can then help the little
guy find something to do on his own, or something different.
Sometimes, I know, you’re on the expert slope
and all you’ve got is the snow plow. For example, it pops out of you at that
wonderful moment when your toddler in her new big bed discovers she can jump out
and come find you—asleep in your bed. Awful moment—I’ve been there—12, 1 and 3
in the morning. Does she “just want attention”—well, yes, but take out the
“just” and think about what your child is experiencing: Newfound freedom is a
little scary and a lot exhilarating. Yes, you need to shape it, but do you want
to crush it? No, of course you don’t. So you calmly take her by the hand and
lead her back to bed. And the next day, you call in the bears.
In other situations, when a child is whining or
making noise at dinner, banging a foot against the table, it makes sense to
directly but gently curtail that unpleasant behavior. But it isn’t
attention-seeking that’s the problem; only the manner of getting it. After all,
everyone is attention-seeking—that’s how we meet each other, ideally in a
respectful, mutually supportive way. So you might really want your child to have
the attention she needs, just not get it in a disruptive way. Better to bring
something positive to the table, while helping your child stop the foot banging:
“We don’t bang feet at the table. Let’s talk about our day! What did we do
today?” Even a 1-year-old will love to hear recounted what we had for breakfast,
how she went for a walk in the park, what she did at the park…and so on through
the day. She is learning language and the art of conversation. Older toddlers
can contribute from their own memories.
One-, two- and three-year-olds are a lot of
work, but put in the right kind of work, and they grow up to be trusting and
trustworthy young people and adults. You just can’t skimp on the right kind of
attention. Lots of little and big problems come up. There’s probably a reason,
and yeah, attention-seeking is a part of it, but what’s the attention they
need? Trust grows out of trust. Respectful relationships at home foster growth
and learning, not fear and submission. Parents who envision a world in which
power is not wielded without regard to its impact will do well to beware of
words and phrases that stealthily undermine their goals.
