Why do some East Asian Parents expect so much from their kids?

BBC

Is Nora from Queens a 'loser'?: Children of Chinese immigrants on high parental expectations

 

Like the lead character in Awkwafina is Nora from Queens, these children of East Asian immigrants didn't follow their parents' preferred path in life

 

 

Elaine Chong

BBC

30 October 2021

 

 

Fans of Awkwafina is Nora from Queens will be familiar with the main character Nora’s attempts at various jobs, from a driver, to office assistant, to app developer.

 

Based on comedian Awkwafina’s own life growing up in Queens, New York, with her East Asian family, the show plays on themes many children of immigrants can relate to. One of those is the pressure from family to be a success and have a ‘respectable’ job.

 

It's a well-worn stereotype that East Asian parents want their children to be doctors or scientists, but the roots of this are in ancient Confucian teachings, which promoted the importance of respecting your family and elders, and becoming a respectable person yourself. A Canadian study of Chinese immigrant parents' expectations of their children noted that their expectations were "grounded... in Chinese tradition".

 

As series 2 of Nora from Queens comes to BBC Three and iPlayer, we speak to the poker player Ken Cheng and stripper Sam Sun about defying their family’s expectations.

 

“Your parents did not cross the world - endure all that trauma and racism- for you to study musical theatre,” jokes the comedian Nigel Ng.

 

 

BBC

Awkwafina in one of the many jobs she tries out in Nora from Queens

 

I didn’t study musical theatre, but as far as my parents are concerned, English Literature was more or less the same. Nowadays I’m a journalist, and my Chinese family don’t really know what to make of that. Recently I texted my dad to tell him that I won a prize, and his response was to send me a photo of someone else’s Asian son.

Something similar happened to the popstar Griff, who told her Chinese mum she won the 2021 BRITS Rising Star Award. “So what do you want me to say?” her mum asked, confused on Instagram stories.

 

Elaine Chong

 

Awkwafina is Nora from Queens is described as ‘a slacker comedy’ - the protagonist Nora is in her late 20s living at home, bouncing to different jobs after dropping out of a PhD programme. Her dad and grandmother are dismayed with her life choices, and gently try to encourage Nora to ‘get her life together.’

 

East Asian parents already have high expectations of their children, but when it comes to immigrant parents, there are even higher stakes at play, because of sacrifices they might have made in starting a new life in the West. In my experience, they think a good education and high-status job would help fit in and succeed, and treat any other life path with suspicion.

'My mum hated that I dropped out of uni'

Ken Cheng, a comedian, dropped out of a degree in Mathematics at University of Cambridge to pursue a career in professional poker. “I had an argument with my mum about that,” he says.

 

Despite having been good at maths in school, he found the degree course difficult, and started to rethink his options.

 

He has been playing poker since he was 17, first with friends at school, then he took his mum’s credit card and started to play online, winning thousands of dollars. Ken had continued playing poker at Cambridge and got better. “I wasn’t winning enough money for it to be a job, but it was enough.”

Why do some immigrant parents have such high expectations?

Tomas R. Jimenez, a professor of sociology at Stanford, explains: “Sam’s experience is an extreme example of the dual frame of reference that immigrant parents have, which gives them a comparison between their home country and their adopted country.

 

"Immigrant parents often have high expectations for their children. Parents have made enormous sacrifices to move long distances and to start anew in a place that may regard them as social, political, and economic outsiders.

 

"Parents often expect their children to make good on those sacrifices, which in the minds of the parents, often means taking up a narrow set of professions that parents see as acceptable for success."

 

Ken’s mum didn’t have strong feelings about him gambling, believing that he was smart enough to get by in poker, but she was incredulous about Ken leaving Cambridge.

 

“She hated that I dropped uni. She comes from an academic background and felt that I was losing a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

 

The first year after dropping out was not a good year for Ken’s poker. “I realised that you have to study, and not play fuelled by just your own ego. Luckily in 2006, everyone was bad at online poker.”

 

Steve Ullathorne

Ken Cheng

 

In the last few years, Ken has made another about-turn to becoming a professional stand-up. “Poker is quite antisocial and I felt that something was missing in my life creatively too.”

 

He signed up for a gig at a club to give it a go. “I was scared of the humiliation, the judgement, being vulnerable…..but I’m used to taking risks because of poker.”

 

Ken’s mum will talk about his comedy to their family friends and they follow him on social media. His mum prefers his comedy to poker, because this way she can see him on TV and radio.

'They wish I was a person with a LinkedIn profile'

In the pilot episode, Nora attempts a camming career - performing sexual activities in front of a webcam - dressed as a dragon. By the end of the episode, Nora decides camming is not for her, but for Sam Sun, stripping is her career of choice.

 

Sam’s parents won’t say “stripping” out loud. “My parents know that along with being a circus aerial artist, I have been a stripper since I was 19. I never officially told them, but Mum followed me on Instagram and saw some of the stripping pictures. Dad told me: ‘When you left home I knew you were getting into this’.

 

“I went to school, got a degree, did the whole thing immigrant parents expect. I support myself financially and I am nice to my little cousins. I call my grandma and my extended aunties regularly. The Cantonese term is bei min – I ‘show face’ on behalf of my parents.

 

“Stripping is not an easy job, but for me it’s easier than getting ‘a real job.’”

 

Sam’s interest started when she saw strippers post on Tumblr and a friend started stripping. “When I turned 18 I sent out emails to strip clubs. I used to live in Hoxton, East London, where there are a lot of strip pubs, which are regular pubs but with strippers. It’s very relaxed, people come to watch football and maybe get a lapdance.”

 

Samantha Sun

 

“Maybe I could be making a lot of money as an accountant, but I don't know if I would love my life. If you’ve experienced freedom it's not something you can go back on,” she says.

 

A lot of the immigrant kids Sam knows are working stable jobs they don’t like. “Asia has a collectivist society, putting the good of others above yourself, which is why so many people endure jobs for the sake of their families. Asian immigrants think like this in some respects, but there are other dimensions to consider, because they understand what it’s like to live under tyrannical governments.”

 

She calls her mum a former ‘tiger mum’ – a demanding Chinese parent. She says that East Asians compare their children with each other a lot. Like Ken, sometimes family friends will say to her mum, ‘Do you want to talk about Sam?’

 

“She refuses to participate. I think at heart Mum would like bragging rights though,” she says.

 

Her family worries about where her life is going to go.

 

“They wish I’d make a steady income or be a person who has a Linkedin profile.”

 

Sam’s younger sister is studying political science and working towards a government job. “My grandparents are from Hong Kong and hate government bureaucracy. They ask my sister, ‘why don’t you get a real job?’”

 

Recently Sam started a Masters degree in business management at the London School of Economics. “It feels like a life stage my parents hoped that I would be at.”

 

Her parents teased her, ‘Is this even a good school if they’re taking you on?’ But they are secretly proud – maybe now they can brag about my degree.”

 

Series 2 of Awkwafina is Nora from Queens is on BBC iPlayer now